So since I've been home I haven't had much of an appetite. I thought maybe it was cause of jetlag or parasites or bland american food compared to wonderfully spicey indian food.
This morning I got to church and could tell that I've had some walls built up. Not strong ones, but walls to hold back the flood of emotion I knew would come. I knew it would come when I was ready, afterall its not easy jumping back into life, marriage, kids, questions, responsibilities, etc... and I can only handle so much at once. And I can only process so much at a time.
Our church focus for the coming year is "every ONE matters". Its posted everywhere already and as I stared at the big white letters on the screen... I lost it. I cried softly at first but the tears weren't going to stop as the face of each child broke my heart over again. As the thought of how I've failed to raise more support over the last year. For the first time in a really really long time I couldn't worship. All I could do was sit and cry. I didn't feel guilty about it, sometimes we have to weep for others. I wasn't angry or upset. It wasn't that I didn't want to worship. I just couldn't move. I actually ended up going to another team member and together we wept even more. That's not like me. I like to be alone. But I knew she'd understand my tears and I hers.
I was able to join in the final song with a renewed understanding of the gift I've been given... feeling the tiniest percentage of God's heart for the children I was with just last week. Understanding that I can't carry it all (my head knew it last week, my heart accepted it today). By the time we were heading out of church I had already heard the words "how can I help" several times. I could never describe to those individuals just how much that means to me. Each person that asks about the trip and sincerely wants to know brings great encouragement. I stood there and realized how hungry I was all of a sudden. Suddenly I wasn't carrying the burden of all that has happened and all that is to come. It was like... i could live again.
And so with that my prayer is for: a clear vision of what's next; A boldness to speak with truth and love; For the spirit to lead and move; To abide in my savior and watch him work miracles through me and others.